|:: Points Finger at Self ::|

what does "point finger at self" mean? and why did i use this name as my blog. simple, because i always blame myself for everything.

i am someone who thinks way too much and internalize everything... as a result it always drives me to think that i am always at fault, that maybe i am always the one who is making the mistake and causing trouble. i don't think that i was always like this, at one point in my life i was actually pretty strong and had lots of courage. i think all of that changed when i moved over to the states with my family.

after we moved here, i didn't really see much of my parents. everyone was too occupied with work to pay attention to me. i can totally understand that under the circumstances, things had to happen the way that it did, and my parents had to make the choices that they did; i don't blame them. but because they were never around anymore and because i didn't have any friends, i started to lose confidence in myself.

on top of that, i was put into a foreign school that had foreign customs that i was not familiar with. i could not speak english and could not make any friends. i was the uncool foreign student who looked and talked funny. it was hard to get adjusted to, and for years i would continue to feel really left out. i became the kid that was on the outside always looking in as the kids on the inside were having so much fun together.

my confidence really took a beating and i started to internalize my own faults. i never really got use to the life style in the states, and to this day, i still feel that i am just a foreigner looking in. as the years went by, i was really starting to think that i was at the fault of the whole ordeal, and that maybe if i wasn't so this and that, that i would have more friends and would be living a much happier life. it was just me that was the problem, and there wasn't anything that i could do to change that... i began to accept that.

old habits are hard to break, and as an adult now with a wife and a life, i still internalize way too much. but i am working hard at slowly letting that go, to open up and share with my wife my thoughts and feelings. so that i don't bottle feelings up and end up hurting myself in the end. it's a tough thing to do and in no way can i change it quickly, but i am working at it and slowly but surely. maybe someday far in the future, i can stop pointing fingers at myself and finally be happy to accept who i am without all the faults.

someday.