what does "point finger at self" mean? and why did i use this name as my blog. simple, because i always blame myself for everything.
i am someone who thinks way too much and internalize everything... as a result it always drives me to think that i am always at fault, that maybe i am always the one who is making the mistake and causing trouble. i don't think that i was always like this, at one point in my life i was actually pretty strong and had lots of courage. i think all of that changed when i moved over to the states with my family.
after we moved here, i didn't really see much of my parents. everyone was too occupied with work to pay attention to me. i can totally understand that under the circumstances, things had to happen the way that it did, and my parents had to make the choices that they did; i don't blame them. but because they were never around anymore and because i didn't have any friends, i started to lose confidence in myself.
on top of that, i was put into a foreign school that had foreign customs that i was not familiar with. i could not speak english and could not make any friends. i was the uncool foreign student who looked and talked funny. it was hard to get adjusted to, and for years i would continue to feel really left out. i became the kid that was on the outside always looking in as the kids on the inside were having so much fun together.
my confidence really took a beating and i started to internalize my own faults. i never really got use to the life style in the states, and to this day, i still feel that i am just a foreigner looking in. as the years went by, i was really starting to think that i was at the fault of the whole ordeal, and that maybe if i wasn't so this and that, that i would have more friends and would be living a much happier life. it was just me that was the problem, and there wasn't anything that i could do to change that... i began to accept that.
old habits are hard to break, and as an adult now with a wife and a life, i still internalize way too much. but i am working hard at slowly letting that go, to open up and share with my wife my thoughts and feelings. so that i don't bottle feelings up and end up hurting myself in the end. it's a tough thing to do and in no way can i change it quickly, but i am working at it and slowly but surely. maybe someday far in the future, i can stop pointing fingers at myself and finally be happy to accept who i am without all the faults.
someday.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
|:: Wonderful Wife ::|
if you were to ask me what kind of person i would want to have as a wife, i would not be able to tell you. and to be completely honest, i still don't think that i can answer that question. but i do know one thing, i do have a great wife.
probably about one year ago, at this time, i would still be in india, in a city called mysore. it would be reaching near the end of wifey's stay in india and she would now have to leave to fly back to malaysia. but me on the other hand, i would have to stay in india for a bit longer before i too had to return to the states. this was perhaps one of the hardest moments for wifey and i, as we both didn't know what was to become of us once we parted ways.
i never thought that long distance relationships could work out, but i guess i just never found anyone worth waiting for. after meeting wifey and spending all those precious moments with her in india, the choice was much easier to make. and even if i knew what it would mean for us to stay together after we both left india, i was ready for that decision; i was ready to marry her.
after i got back to the states, i filed the paper for the petition to sponser wifey over. the process would take roughly 6 months or more, so we had to do it right away. and even during that time, we were still getting to know each other bit by bit. there was still a bit of doubt and uncertainty about what we were both getting into, i guess me more than her. but i didn't want to jump into marriage and then end up finding out that it was a mistake, i wanted to be more sure that this is what i really wanted.
so we waited for each other for the long 6 months. always using skype to talk to each other online. we had a set time for us to talk, and we would try to talk everyday. it was tough being long distance, and i never imagined it would as tough as it was. when times were good, things were fine, but when we got into arguements it would be so damaging. a few times, we were at the brinks of breaking up and calling the whole marriage off. it was the most challenging relationship i had ever been in, a true test to my character.
after everything that we both went through, boy i gotta say, it was all worth it. we are together now happily together. i can't believe that i was lucky enough to have found her, i really must have done something right in my past life to be this lucky. she is an amazing person, who always care and support me. someone who will try her best to do everything that makes me happy. she is always there to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be alright when i fall. she cooks, cleans, washes her clothes, and makes soft toys on the side.
so though i don't really know what a perfect wife is or what sort of person my wife should be. i just have this gut feeling that i made the absolute right choice back in india, and i am still blessed to this day. wifey, you will always be my wife, the only wife for me.
probably about one year ago, at this time, i would still be in india, in a city called mysore. it would be reaching near the end of wifey's stay in india and she would now have to leave to fly back to malaysia. but me on the other hand, i would have to stay in india for a bit longer before i too had to return to the states. this was perhaps one of the hardest moments for wifey and i, as we both didn't know what was to become of us once we parted ways.
i never thought that long distance relationships could work out, but i guess i just never found anyone worth waiting for. after meeting wifey and spending all those precious moments with her in india, the choice was much easier to make. and even if i knew what it would mean for us to stay together after we both left india, i was ready for that decision; i was ready to marry her.
after i got back to the states, i filed the paper for the petition to sponser wifey over. the process would take roughly 6 months or more, so we had to do it right away. and even during that time, we were still getting to know each other bit by bit. there was still a bit of doubt and uncertainty about what we were both getting into, i guess me more than her. but i didn't want to jump into marriage and then end up finding out that it was a mistake, i wanted to be more sure that this is what i really wanted.
so we waited for each other for the long 6 months. always using skype to talk to each other online. we had a set time for us to talk, and we would try to talk everyday. it was tough being long distance, and i never imagined it would as tough as it was. when times were good, things were fine, but when we got into arguements it would be so damaging. a few times, we were at the brinks of breaking up and calling the whole marriage off. it was the most challenging relationship i had ever been in, a true test to my character.
after everything that we both went through, boy i gotta say, it was all worth it. we are together now happily together. i can't believe that i was lucky enough to have found her, i really must have done something right in my past life to be this lucky. she is an amazing person, who always care and support me. someone who will try her best to do everything that makes me happy. she is always there to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be alright when i fall. she cooks, cleans, washes her clothes, and makes soft toys on the side.
so though i don't really know what a perfect wife is or what sort of person my wife should be. i just have this gut feeling that i made the absolute right choice back in india, and i am still blessed to this day. wifey, you will always be my wife, the only wife for me.
Monday, May 11, 2009
|:: Memories of Monday the 11th ::|
woke up today not wanting to go to work, no surprise there. i think i had some sort of nightmare, but didn't remember it too well; just that i woke up feeling a bit confused, like not knowing who to trust. then i see roccio (our dog) in the corner of my eye begging for food, so i pretend to close my eyes as to not see him. that's son of a bitch (literally) is so smart that he knows that i saw him, and continues begging while making this increasingly loud groaning noise.
so i wiggle out of the blanket to sit on the floor for a moment to refocus my eyes. 7:10... damn, probably going to be late again. went to get roccio's food from the other side of the room. dished him some kibbles in his bowl and placed it on the floor where he usually eats. then the idiot comes waltzing over lazily, looks at the food, and heads straight back into his cage to sleep! son of a... >O
took extra time to shower and think. had doubts about quitting work and how we are going to survive with no income for a while. really was tried to convince myself that quitting was a big mistake and that i should suck it up no matter how tough work was. then the logical reasoning kicked in and though it wasn't like a total change of mood, it did help reassure me that this was the right thing to do.
im such a fucking pansy when it comes to making life changing decisions like this...
so i wiggle out of the blanket to sit on the floor for a moment to refocus my eyes. 7:10... damn, probably going to be late again. went to get roccio's food from the other side of the room. dished him some kibbles in his bowl and placed it on the floor where he usually eats. then the idiot comes waltzing over lazily, looks at the food, and heads straight back into his cage to sleep! son of a... >O
took extra time to shower and think. had doubts about quitting work and how we are going to survive with no income for a while. really was tried to convince myself that quitting was a big mistake and that i should suck it up no matter how tough work was. then the logical reasoning kicked in and though it wasn't like a total change of mood, it did help reassure me that this was the right thing to do.
im such a fucking pansy when it comes to making life changing decisions like this...
|:: Doubts ::|
woke up today with a few doubts in my mind about work; about quitting and about how wifey and i will manage without income. again had worries about what do once i quit the job and no more income is there. and on top of that with the economy being the way that it is, makes me worry.
wifey keeps me strong and assures me of all the logical reasons for why this won't be so bad. we are both young and able, we are educated, we don't have house payments to pay for, and we don't have any kids. so we are as good as being free. and i know that it all sounds really logically and makes so much sense to quit, but i'm still worried...
had to take an extra long shower just to think things through. it was cold this morning in the room, but wifey was sleeping so soundly. i wanted to wake her up to talk to her but didn't have the heart to bring up the same issues over and over again.
wifey keeps me strong and assures me of all the logical reasons for why this won't be so bad. we are both young and able, we are educated, we don't have house payments to pay for, and we don't have any kids. so we are as good as being free. and i know that it all sounds really logically and makes so much sense to quit, but i'm still worried...
had to take an extra long shower just to think things through. it was cold this morning in the room, but wifey was sleeping so soundly. i wanted to wake her up to talk to her but didn't have the heart to bring up the same issues over and over again.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
|:: Where Should I Go? ::|
was thinking about what to do once i quit work. wifey wanted to go on road trips to LA, Vegas, and Charlett to visit some friends, which isn't a bad idea. but to be honest, i want to go somewhere warmer and were there are more asian people. closest place that comes to mind is malaysia.
funny thing is that i've only been there 5 times all and all since i met wifey. but somehow i feel so much more at home when i am there. i miss wifey's family and really the feeling of having a family that is together. family here, although we live together, we aren't at all together. closest person that i feel family with is my little brother. we have lots of differences in how we live our lives and our overall outlook of life, but despite everything, my brother and i are really close.
mom and dad on the other hand drift farther and farther apart from me. mom never was really there and is still not really here. always thinking about her work and making money, as if that was the only thing in the world. dad use to be cool and understanding, but not since i got married. i've been expressing myself to him more and more about who i am and what i do. guess he doesn't like it, because i am too expressive of my views. i think he realizes that i'm not as obedient as i was before when i was young.
so really, although i live here. i would rather be off somewhere else. i want to move somewhere nice where there is beaches around where the water is warm. a lively place where life is easy going, so i don't have to bust my ass to make a living. never understood that, why some people work so damn hard to make money but never get the time to enjoy it.
all and all, going back to malaysia would be so much fun! otherwise maybe we can visit brazil to go hangout with a friend from there, Vini. who knows, maybe i might not even be able to go anywhere since i am poor and have a wife to support. would be nice if i got lucky.
funny thing is that i've only been there 5 times all and all since i met wifey. but somehow i feel so much more at home when i am there. i miss wifey's family and really the feeling of having a family that is together. family here, although we live together, we aren't at all together. closest person that i feel family with is my little brother. we have lots of differences in how we live our lives and our overall outlook of life, but despite everything, my brother and i are really close.
mom and dad on the other hand drift farther and farther apart from me. mom never was really there and is still not really here. always thinking about her work and making money, as if that was the only thing in the world. dad use to be cool and understanding, but not since i got married. i've been expressing myself to him more and more about who i am and what i do. guess he doesn't like it, because i am too expressive of my views. i think he realizes that i'm not as obedient as i was before when i was young.
so really, although i live here. i would rather be off somewhere else. i want to move somewhere nice where there is beaches around where the water is warm. a lively place where life is easy going, so i don't have to bust my ass to make a living. never understood that, why some people work so damn hard to make money but never get the time to enjoy it.
all and all, going back to malaysia would be so much fun! otherwise maybe we can visit brazil to go hangout with a friend from there, Vini. who knows, maybe i might not even be able to go anywhere since i am poor and have a wife to support. would be nice if i got lucky.
|:: Nice Day of Doing Nothing ::|
woke up really early this morning... got woken up by roccio begging for food. he is doing that more and more these days in the morning when he knows that i wake up at that time to get ready for work. and if he doesn't get me to give him some food, he knows that he won't get any for the rest of the day, or until wifey wakes up.
7:20 AM, and i'm in bed staring at the ceiling. looked over at wifey who was sleeping so soundly and felt jealous. what had happen to me? i use to be able to be like that before too. forced myself to go back to sleep for a bit more thinking that i could somehow regain my sleeping stamina; nope, jolted to a wake at 8:30...
didn't have much to do, so i decided to wake up and go outside to do some study. i told myself that i would get around to starting my resume again today... but thought that the day was still really early so i'll just do whatever i want to do first. turned out, i had nothing to do... not surprising actually. sundays always start out like this.
have you ever sat in front of the computer and just stare at the google homepage? with the mouse pointed at the search box, but there is nothing there. trying hard to find something to serach up but nothing comes to mind? yeah that's what sundays are like for me. pretty nice day outside but i'm just sitting on the couch with nothing to do.
eventually, i called up a friend to go out to play some tennis. bad thing was that i forgot to, more like too lazy to, eat breakfast so i felt really sluggish on the court. it's nice talking to my friend and hitting the ball around. hopefully, i can get back into shape and play a real game next time.
7:20 AM, and i'm in bed staring at the ceiling. looked over at wifey who was sleeping so soundly and felt jealous. what had happen to me? i use to be able to be like that before too. forced myself to go back to sleep for a bit more thinking that i could somehow regain my sleeping stamina; nope, jolted to a wake at 8:30...
didn't have much to do, so i decided to wake up and go outside to do some study. i told myself that i would get around to starting my resume again today... but thought that the day was still really early so i'll just do whatever i want to do first. turned out, i had nothing to do... not surprising actually. sundays always start out like this.
have you ever sat in front of the computer and just stare at the google homepage? with the mouse pointed at the search box, but there is nothing there. trying hard to find something to serach up but nothing comes to mind? yeah that's what sundays are like for me. pretty nice day outside but i'm just sitting on the couch with nothing to do.
eventually, i called up a friend to go out to play some tennis. bad thing was that i forgot to, more like too lazy to, eat breakfast so i felt really sluggish on the court. it's nice talking to my friend and hitting the ball around. hopefully, i can get back into shape and play a real game next time.
|:: Ugly Work ::|
ah yes, the good old crazy topic of work. here's an overview about work:
it sucks!
ok and here's why. i'm still working for an indian company that doesn't know or care that i exist. i work for a shitty manager who also doesn't care or know that i exist. the damn guy only talks to me when his ass is on the line about something related to the project. and everytime he demands that i give him a complete overview of everything that has happened in the past month that he didn't talk to me. oh and of course it has to be in a "PPT" one page slide for his lazy ass to read.
then there is my partner who is suppose to be my lead to the project. right from the beginning when i met him, i sensed that he wasn't the right guy for the job. how? when he told me that the project was 80% complete and that all i was to do was deliever it to the client. and when he give me the application, the very first page crashed when i clicked "Go". shocked, i asked him stupidly if that was suppose to happen, and i get a bullshit answer about how offshore fucked it up; now it would take them 2 days to fix. my first impression...
really, i can go on and go for hours about how these two fucks have cause me a great deal of distress. but instead, im going to focus in on how i'm going to get out of the mess that i got myself into by joining this company.
yup, i'm going to do the only thing that makes sense... i'm going to quit!
now i know that the economy is bad and so many people are struggling to find work. but just thinking about working makes me feel angry and sick. i mean seriously, im here sitting on sunday and already i feel upset that tomorrow i will have to go back to work and face these damn bastards. it's really destroying my life.
after quitting, i want to take some time off and just do nothing for a month or so. of course i'll be looking for a new job all the while, and maybe will get lucky and find something good. i met up and had dinner with a friend and former coworker at boeing, tien and his girlfriend, on friday. he told me that he took lots of risks and moved around a lot when he was my age, and that in the end it worked out for him.
imma do the same thing! come end of the month i'm done with infoshit.
it sucks!
ok and here's why. i'm still working for an indian company that doesn't know or care that i exist. i work for a shitty manager who also doesn't care or know that i exist. the damn guy only talks to me when his ass is on the line about something related to the project. and everytime he demands that i give him a complete overview of everything that has happened in the past month that he didn't talk to me. oh and of course it has to be in a "PPT" one page slide for his lazy ass to read.
then there is my partner who is suppose to be my lead to the project. right from the beginning when i met him, i sensed that he wasn't the right guy for the job. how? when he told me that the project was 80% complete and that all i was to do was deliever it to the client. and when he give me the application, the very first page crashed when i clicked "Go". shocked, i asked him stupidly if that was suppose to happen, and i get a bullshit answer about how offshore fucked it up; now it would take them 2 days to fix. my first impression...
really, i can go on and go for hours about how these two fucks have cause me a great deal of distress. but instead, im going to focus in on how i'm going to get out of the mess that i got myself into by joining this company.
yup, i'm going to do the only thing that makes sense... i'm going to quit!
now i know that the economy is bad and so many people are struggling to find work. but just thinking about working makes me feel angry and sick. i mean seriously, im here sitting on sunday and already i feel upset that tomorrow i will have to go back to work and face these damn bastards. it's really destroying my life.
after quitting, i want to take some time off and just do nothing for a month or so. of course i'll be looking for a new job all the while, and maybe will get lucky and find something good. i met up and had dinner with a friend and former coworker at boeing, tien and his girlfriend, on friday. he told me that he took lots of risks and moved around a lot when he was my age, and that in the end it worked out for him.
imma do the same thing! come end of the month i'm done with infoshit.
|:: Yesterday's BBQ ::|
had a bbq at the beach yesterday with a bunch of friends. thought it would be a great sunny day to have a bbq get together last weekend, so just got up and did just that. it was great fun. to see my friends there together, and to see that i do have friends. we invited maybe 25 people and got a very good turn out.
the fire was hard to get started. the "guys" all tried to get it up and going, but there was so much wind that it made the nice sunny day cold. i'm not surprised that i wasn't able to get the fire started since i didn't have much camping or bonfire or bbq experience. wifey one the other hand was much smarter and more efficient, she got the fire started with the help of my friend Day. after a grueling hour and a half or so, the fire was started and the cooking commenced. then it was smooth sailing ahead.
the food was good and i got to talk to all my friends there. although we didn't talk too much about anything since everyone was too busy trying to get food. but all and all, i at least got to talk to the people who showed up.
it was good fun!
the fire was hard to get started. the "guys" all tried to get it up and going, but there was so much wind that it made the nice sunny day cold. i'm not surprised that i wasn't able to get the fire started since i didn't have much camping or bonfire or bbq experience. wifey one the other hand was much smarter and more efficient, she got the fire started with the help of my friend Day. after a grueling hour and a half or so, the fire was started and the cooking commenced. then it was smooth sailing ahead.
the food was good and i got to talk to all my friends there. although we didn't talk too much about anything since everyone was too busy trying to get food. but all and all, i at least got to talk to the people who showed up.
it was good fun!
|:: Start --> Shut Down --> Hibernate ::|
okay, so it's been a long time since i wrote anything here. not surprising, i'm just not too good about updating stuff or sitting down to write stuff, although i should be because i always write things down on paper. oh and btw, the place that i usually (if not always) do my writing is while i'm sitting on the toilet taking a dump. =S
so how are things going for me? usual. work, eat, sleep, play, think, worry. seems like i do much more of the last two things on the list now, but then again, i always have. sometimes, i wish there was a way to hibernate my brain, maybe then will i get some peace and quite.
i had more things to say about this post... but can't think of the words right now!
so how are things going for me? usual. work, eat, sleep, play, think, worry. seems like i do much more of the last two things on the list now, but then again, i always have. sometimes, i wish there was a way to hibernate my brain, maybe then will i get some peace and quite.
i had more things to say about this post... but can't think of the words right now!
Friday, January 2, 2009
|:: Back to Work ::|
Today is Friday and it is suppose to the be the day that Boeing people go back to work after the long holiday break. Not surprisingly, I am one of 30 or so people who are actually here at the office. Even more not surprising is that my co-workers are not here, bunch of lazy asses... So, I have nothing to do right now and decided to write this short entry.
The thought of work doesn't really excite me like it use to before. I use to believe that finding a good job would make me happy and that I would be rewarded for my hard work. And then reality hit and I end up in a company that doesn't even know that I exist (good thing the pay check still comes regularly), and I work with people who are ass kissing, "yes" men.
Work itself is not too bad, working with Boeing people and all. But things seem to move pretty slow here as there is a shit load of politics and not to mention tons of old people. The people are old and their thinking / mind set is old as well. Very protective of what they are and are extremely hostile if you try to change how they do work, specially if you try to help them work more effectively...
Muteless out!
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